A Nice Video

I thought this was a nice video about adoption with some good statistitcs.

Our Story

Part II

At first we got some emails from potential birth parents, but mostly they were scammers looking for trouble and money. It wasn't too hard to spot them. Of those who seemed more legit we would never hear back from them after their initial contact. In May of 2009 our caseworker called us and told us she had a situation to present and were we interested. The details were that the birthmother was in prison, she was due to deliver in July and had no family that could take the baby until she finished her minimum 5 years. She had two older pre-teen children and she was 38 years old. She was in prison for having drugs in the house with her children. Our local LDSFS agency has a program where they go out to the prison to help expectant mothers decide what to do. She approached them about placing her baby boy through their program even though she wasn't of the LDS faith. Our caseworker told us that when she talked to her and heard what kind of family she wanted, she immediately thought of us.

What did we think? We thought about it and we let her know we were interested in having our profile shown to this mother, we'll call her Sally. Our caseworker took a stack of profiles in and gave them to her to look over. She ended up choosing us and said she wanted to meet us in about one month.

So, we started preparing for a baby to come to our home. I did a little shopping and picked out colors for the nursery.

The day we were supposed to meet her at the prison I got an early morning call from our caseworker that Sally had changed her mind and didn't want to meet us. She was confused and wanted to look at other non-denominational agencies. (The word on the street is that private agencies somehow "pay" birthmothers when they place and that she wanted money. I don't know how an agency would be able to pay someone in prison but I am sure they could find a way.) Our caseworker (who was no longer our caseworker because she was Sally's caseworker and couldn't represent us both) talked her into meeting us. I was sick inside and had a really bad feeling.

We showed up at the prison, got checked in, got treated rudely by some guards and waited. She walked into the room and sat down at the table with her prison liaison and we with the caseworkers. We asked her if we could buy her a soda and she accepted. She was pretty and large with child and clearly very nervous, as were we. We had a nice chat and got to know each other a little. She told us she had our profile in her "room" and looked at it often, imagining what we were like. It wasn't a long visit, maybe 30 minutes and at the end she basically told us she was going to place her baby with us. I don't remember everything that was said, but she acted very interested in us and very sincere the whole time. We felt sorry for her.

When we left we felt better than we had that morning but we were still nervous. We decided to stop all preparations, we wouldn't paint the nursery or buy anything else until he was born. He was due in about one month. We planned to name him Samuel. Zack was VERY excited to be getting a brother and had helped pick his name.

Our old caseworker assured us that she didn't have time to switch agencies at that point as it was very hard to even get a phone call out of the prison let alone arrange meetings with other agencies. I prayed that she would deliver early so that she wouldn't have time to switch. I also prayed that if this wasn't meant to be our baby, that it wouldn't work out but that I sure did hope he was meant to be ours and that it would work out. I left it completely up to Heavenly Father and was hope full.

She didn't deliver early. That month was so hard! I was on pins and needles waiting for the call that would come 12 hours after he was born. Prison rules say the mother can only stay in the hospital for 12 hours and then has to go back to the prison and only then can they call the adoptive parents. Then we would have to go out to the prison for her to sign the papers 24 hours after birth and THEN, we could go get the baby at the hospital.

One week before his due date, Steve called our old caseworker to see if she had heard anything. She told him she was just about to call him with the news. Sally had switched agencies. We would not be getting the baby, some other family would. I was helping at a funeral when Steve called to tell me. I went in a room and cried and then I had to go back and spend the rest of the day feeding grieving people, while I silently grieved for the baby we would not have. I had dreams for weeks that she still wanted us to be the parents and the new agency was trying to find us! We were all very sad and Zack cried when I told him.

I feel peace about it now, even though it still makes me sad to think of it. I still think of that little baby boy and wonder how he is. I hope he got a really great family that Heavenly Father picked out for him.

Our Story

I really want to start documenting our adoption journey and since this is the only journaling I do, it will be done here on this blog. I hope it is not too boring, but if it is you are welcome not to read it!

Part I

Almost exactly three years ago in 2007, we came to the conclusion that getting pregnant again was not going to happen easily. We had both been through tests, tried Clomid for four months (what a hormonal disaster: hot flashes and a feeling of psychosis), had artificial insemination at least 4 times, maybe 6 and been to an infertility specialist. The specialist met with us briefly, did no exam or tests and told us our only chance would be In-Vitro. Oh, and it would cost $12,000. We were not exited at that prospect and I figured the hormones required with In-Vitro would kill us all.

I immediately started looking into adopting from China. I mentioned it to Steve and he was interested too. After all my research I learned that the process was taking about 4 years and that we were not eligible anyway because you had to have been off of any anti-depressants for at least 2 years before you could apply. I was still taking those meds for extreme PMS (which has since been cured believe it or not) so we knew we would have to look elsewhere. It was disappointing.

Next I researched all the private adoption agencies in our area and called the ones that came recommended by friends. I was uneasy. None of them felt right but I figured I needed to do more research. Steve suggested we check out LDS Family Services. We called at the first of November and were told there was an information meeting on the 9th of that month. We showed up on the 9th and were given all the details of how the program worked. We felt like we should sign up with them and were told that we would have to take a two day class and pay $1000 and give a letter from our Bishop before we could proceed. It turns out the classes were offered 3 times per year and they happened to be that night and the next day, and they had room for us. We wrote out a check, called our bishop and cleared our schedules.

The classes were very informational and a great start to our journey. They had panels with adoptees, birth mothers, and adoptive parents. They had group sessions to talk about infertility and our grieving process. Steve and I both thought it was weird (not in a judgemental way) when the people in our groups cried when talking about their infertility. We just were not that devastated about it. We thought maybe it was because we had been blessed with having Zack, we really can't complain too much, even though we want more, we feel so lucky to have him!

With the classes completed, we began filling out form after form after form, telling everything about ourselves and our lives. Then we met with our case worker several times, she inspected our home and completed our home study. We choose pictures of ourselves and wrote a Dear Birth parent letter. The 1st of March 2008, our profile was published on LDSFS website for birth parents to view. We were ready and we waited.

And waited.

Positive Adoption Language

One of the first things we learned in our adoption classes is that it's important to use proper adoption language which does not demean anyone in the adoption triad. Using the "negative" terms perpetuates the myth that adoption is second best. Using positive language shows that building a family through adoption is as valid as giving birth. (Nothing irks me more than when someone says: "her REAL mother...". What exactly is a REAL mother anyway?)

Negative Terms ***** Preferred Terms

Gave up her child for adoption ***** Placed her child for adoption
Real parent/Natural parent ***** Birth parent/Biological parent
Adoptive parent ***** Parent
His adopted child ***** His child
Illegitimate ***** Born to unmarried parents
Adoptee ***** Child who was adopted
To keep ***** To parent
Adoptable child/Available child ***** Waiting child
Foreign adoption ***** International adoption
Track down parents ***** Search
Unwanted child ***** Child placed for adoption
Is adopted ***** Was adopted
Birth Mother (before she has placed a baby) ***** Expectant Mother
Reunion ***** Made contact with
Give up/away the baby ***** Make an adoption plan or place the child

National Adoption Awareness Month

Did you know that November is national adoption awareness month? Well, it is. I am going to try and do a different post on adoption every day. Shoot for the stars right? (I'll be lucky if I get 4 posts, but I'm not going to let myself know I'm so pessimistic.)

As you may know, we have been trying to adopt for almost 3 years now, and during that time I have learned a lot about it, except for the part where you actually do it. I will try to share with you some of what I have learned in this months posts. Also stay tuned for some exciting news! I can't wait!

Yay Adoption!

Our New Bathroom - unveiled

We remodeled our main bathroom last year and I am just getting around to posting pictures. Steve did all the work, demolishment, tile, re-textured the walls, paint, etc. Then we had a friend who custom built the cabinets. I think it turned out really well and I LOVE all the storage!
Before:
(1970's dark cabinets, golden counter, ugly wallpaper, linoleum floor, with NO storage and a long counter running the length of the room)





After: Updated for the year 2010! It might be my favorite room in the house.

Zack Says...

Z: Mom, do you know one thing I am never going to do?
Mom: What's that?
Z: (Dramatically) MOUTH TO MOUTH RE-SOURCE-A-TATION!

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Zack got home from school one day and he was having a snack and I was eating my breakfast (having just awoken from sleeping after my night shift.) I poured some cereal into a bowl and then poured what I thought was milk onto the cereal. Oops, I actually poured orange juice! I exclaimed loudly and lamented my lack of paying attention and went and poured it into the sink. Zack started laughing hysterically and said: "This is the best day of my life!" I was confused and asked why it was the best day? He replied: "Because this is the first time I have ever seen you make a mistake!" It really made me think how I would have reacted if the tables had been turned and also how I need to make absolutely sure that he sees me make mistakes more often. It was a really good lesson.

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I probably shouldn't share this one but....

Eating dinner at McDonalds:

Z: Mom, you have a mustache! (Loud enough for everyone to hear. I think Steve almost choked on a nugget.)

Mom: speechless and mortified.

(Don't worry, I paid someone handsomely to smear really hot wax on my face and rip it out the next day. He will not be given the chance to say that again.)

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Zack's school had their yearly spell-a-thon fundraiser. He asked some family members to pledge an amount per word that he got right. I pledged $1 per word. He was given a list of 25 2nd grade words and 25 3rd grade words. We practiced them for 3 weeks. The night before the test I gave him a pre-test and he got 6 wrong. The same 6 he had been getting wrong from the beginning. I told him not to worry, he would do great but I feared 100% would not be attained this year. He came home after the test and proudly announced that he got all 50 words correct! We are so proud of him and his diligent studying. What a smartie! He raised $100 total for his school.

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Zack played flag football this year for the first time. I have to say it was my favorite sport so far. Just the right amount of action for Zack to stay interested but not be overstimulated. He was quite the little player and got more than a couple of touchdowns. It was awesome! I guess I am going to have to figure out the game if he's going to be playing it again.

He has also been taking golf lessons at school. Hopefully he and Steve can hit the "links" together soon! (Is that the right word?)

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Zack discovers shower caps!

Thirsty anyone?

So we got back from our vacation late last night and I have a cold and have been taking it easy today. Zack and a friend wanted to have a lemonade stand so I told them to have at it and stayed out of the process.

Since this is Zack's first ever lemonade stand (he keeps telling me "it's not lemonade, it's Koolaid!") I thought I had better go take a picture. This is what I discovered when I went out there...


(Note the pitchers in laps and the stirring spoon in Zack's mouth)

I asked Zack's friend if he had been slurping Koolaid from his spoon too and he admitted he "might have". Trying not to laugh, I kindly let them know that they couldn't sell the "contaminated" juice but they could sure drink it themselves, to which they sadly replied that it tasted like water. I made them a new pitcher of Koolaid according to Health Department Standards and not too watered down and told them they could sell that batch. They tasted it (with a cup!) and found it to be delish and were excited for their first customer, who just happened to be the friends sister and her pal. The only other person I have seen out there has been the ice cream man. Probably checking out the competition!

My heart is melting at how cute they are!

Zack Says...

**One night before baseball practice Steve was giving Zack the talk he gives him before every game or practice. It goes something like this: "Now I don't want any misbehavin' tonight at baseball. You need to listen to coach and no talking back. You need to pay attention and no goofing off." Then he added a new twist: "I want you to be a leader. Do you know what a leader is?" Zack's eyes got bright and he excitedly said: "Oh, you mean like Darth Vader?!" Hmmm.

Is it too late to bring him back from the dark side?


**Zack has been busy drawing his pet guinea pig Oreo. He got him for Christmas and he is sooo cute!





**Zack spent the other day with my mom. He usually cons her out of a lot of treats. This particular night he was invited by our next door neighbors to walk over to Dairy Queen with their family and the missionaries. I told him not to get anything too big, knowing he had eaten a lot of sweets that day. When he got home he was just finishing off an ice cream cone and then went out jump on the tramp. Later he came in looking very distressed. He told me he had a tummy ache and started crying. Then he started blubbering and confessed to eating 50 jelly beans at my moms and that he asked for a small ice cream cone but it was huge and covered in chocolate and he ate the whole thing and the cone too and he doesn't usually eat the cone but this time he did! The whole episode reminded me of one of my favorite childhood movies Goonies. Remember when Chunk was crying and confessing to the Fratelli's? You can watch the clip here. Classic. I tried not to laugh, got him a bucket and a tums and put him to bed. He kept saying his stomach felt like it was "this big" and it was shrinking. I'm not sure what that means...


**The other day Zack's teacher sent home a note that said the kids were going to have a math store and they needed to bring 18 items to sell. I asked Zack what he wanted to sell and he just shrugged. I figured I would have to come up with something. Later we went to the new Hobby Lobby by our house (yea!) and he was inspired to make puffles and monster mice. He told me exactly what they would look like and be made of and chose the craft supplies all by himself. When I made some suggestions he said: "yeah, that's cool, but no thanks." We got home and he proceeded to hot glue 18 of these creatures all by himself without any prompting from me. They turned out really cute! I was able to help in his class the day of the math store and it was hilarious! Most of those kids had no concept of how to use money. I was the change giver and they would come give me a dollar and ask for a quarter. When I said they could have 4 quarters they looked at me like I was Santa. Some kids would come and give me the last of their money, say 4 pennies and ask for a quarter! They looked at me like I was really mean when I told them that wasn't going to work! Zack's creatures were a hit, he sold out really quickly and came running over to me and said: "I'm in business now! I'm all sold out!"

This is what the puffles and monster mice look like smooshed into my scanner - I can't find my camera

Zack says...

I have lost the blogging zest lately but I had a small collection of things Zack has said lately so I thought I would post them.

Z: Dad, you know my black hoodie?
Dad: Yes?
Z: Emma said she was attracted to it.
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Mom: Zack have you washed your hair? (I have to remind him of every step in the shower or he just comes out wet, not clean and wet.)
Z: (yelling) I hate that new shampoo! It stinks! It smells like daddy when he's been working!
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Steve went out of town on business for one night. Zack was quite upset that he was gone and cried that he would miss him. Then at bedtime I tucked him in and he started crying again and said "he didn't leave me anything to remember him by!" So I asked if he would like to sleep with his dads pillow and he quite happily went to sleep after that.
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Zack struggles with things that are hard. He would rather not try to do something if it's at all difficult. We have been working on this and it is very frustrating for both of us. One day he was crying and said "why does life have to be so hard?" Good question buddy.
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Zack is always telling me about the girls at school. They like to chase him at recess and he told me one girl almost kissed him one day and he showed me how close she was to his face. On his birthday the whole class made cards for him. When he came home that day we read them together and it was all I could do not to laugh so hard. He told the class his favorite colors were red and blue, so everyone colored with red and blue. Then he told them his favorite animal was a manatee (who knew?) and a lot of them drew manatee's on their cards. One girl wrote: Emma likes you, Skyley likes you - te he. Another girl drew hearts all over and wrote: I love Zack. One boy wrote: Zack I like you. Pleeise be nise to me. We had a long talk about how we have to be nice to everyone, even if we think they are a little annoying. Zack loves school and his social interactions.
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Zack has been playing on a basketball team for the last few weeks. All I can say is I need to start taking Valium before I go to the games. I have never had so much anxiety! Only one boy on their team has ever played before so they basically get creamed every game. Zack starts out really into it and seems to enjoy playing but by the second half he has given up and is just running around the court not paying attention to where the ball is. These kids on his team twirl around a lot and so he started doing it too. After his game this week Steve and I told him if he wants to sign up for ballet we would be happy to. He was not amused. Hopefully that will take care of it. (Not that there's anything wrong with male ballerinas!)
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Zack had his 7th birthday a week ago. We do a big party every other year on the even years so this year I told him he could go to Classic with a friend or two and then we would have a family party. He invited his good friends Dresden and Logan and they spent a good 4 hours playing at classic and had a good time. The night before our family party he was saying his prayers and he prayed that he would get lots of good presents. I didn't say anything, when you're a kid it's OK to pray for that kind of stuff, right?
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Zack just lost his 3rd tooth. Loosing teeth around here is traumatic. Eating is difficult. Pulling it is out of the question and the mere mention of it sends waves of fear and tears. Bribery doesn't work. We offered large sums of money to be done with it, but no amount was tempting enough. For a week it would bleed several times a day, causing panic and tears. On Thursday it was bad. According to Zack it was "squirting" blood. I think seeping would be more accurate. I kept finding bloody tissues around the house. I worried that he wouldn't be able to play in his basketball game that night. When I took him to theater class he refused to get out of the car and wouldn't stop crying. I said a silent prayer, at wits end. (Why is it that I only think to pray when I'm at wits end?) That evening, the tooth just fell out. Right before the game. Excitedly he exclaimed "my tooth fell out and I didn't even cry!" He repeats this line to everyone he tells the story too. I kindly leave out the part about how he cried for a whole week over that blasted tooth. Isn't the anticipation always worse than the actual event?
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We love this little guy! Our lives would be so boring and meaningless without him. I have to remind myself to enjoy every minute because it is going by so fast and before we know it he's going to be all grown up.

What anniversary?

For the past few months our Relief Society presidency has been trying to plan a board meeting and it has been rescheduled at least once. Finally we settled on a date of Wednesday, November 18th to take place at our Presidents house. She called me last Friday to ask if we could change it to my house because she has to vacate her house sooner than she thought (she recently sold her house and is moving away, sniff). I agreed to be the host in 4 1/2 days despite the fact that I was going to be working almost non-stop up until then, and hosting parties gives me panic attacks.

Two days before the meeting I was saying something about it to Steve and he says, "you know that's our anniversary, right?"

Um....what!?

Yeah, I forgot my own 9th wedding anniversary. Ooops.

How could I forget to celebrate the day I married the best guy on earth? Yes, I said the best! Let me tell you why:

He cooks

He cleans

He gardens

He organizes

He builds

He remodels

He fixes

He works HARD

He plays hard

He is intelligent

He is funny

He is loving

He doesn't yell when I spend money

He takes me on dates

He is a great dad

He doesn't like to fight

and last...

He picked ME!

I love you Stevie! I hope you can put up with me for eternity!

Other October Occurrences

Lake Powell
The first weekend in October we went to Lake Powell again with two of our favorite families. We had a good time despite the chilly and windy weather. We have always had perfect weather in October, but this year was not to be.

Zack is such a dare-devil. If the tubing isn't fast enough he acts like he's bored stiff!


Zack did some beginner boogie-boarding this year, he looks mad but he really enjoyed it.


Shannon, Rick and Steve jumping off a major cliff. Do you like Steve's relaxed body?


Zack gets a little higher every year!


Rick got an old school jet ski right before this trip. The first time Mindy tried it out she fell off and the thing just kept going toward shore instead of circling her. Luckily Rick was able to jump off the houseboat and swim to it right before it hit the rocks!


Here he is pulling Zack and A on a tube!


Lagoon
This year we got a season pass to Lagoon. It was really fun to have and just take off for a few hours and not feel like you have to ride every ride. We just relaxed and had fun and if the lines were too long we came back another time. We liked October a lot because they have Frightmares. All of Lagoon is decorated for Halloween and there are haunted houses you can go through. Zack loved them! It was nice to be there during the cooler weather too!

These photo ops were all over the park, but this was my favorite one.







Random
Zack's school had Red Ribbon Week where they talk about not doing drugs, etc. There was a theme every day. The first day was pajama day and he was all excited to wear his. As he was literally walking out the door he panicked and insisted on changing into clothes. I helped him change quickly and off he went. It turns out every kid in the school was wearing PJ's but him. He just gets sooo embarrassed so easily! The next day was supposed to be crazy sock/slipper day. Well, you can't find crazy socks for boys at a moments notice so I got him some camo slippers. He wore them and was the ONLY kid in slippers. He was so embarrassed that I took him his shoes and he was very grateful. Poor kid, we just can't win.
Zack wanted black striped hair for crazy hair day. I was afraid it wouldn't come out of his white hair but it did.


Just a weird picture I found on the camera when I downloaded all of the pictures. The things those boys do while I am at work!

Halloween Fun

This year Zack got to dress up three times. He wanted to be a scary skeleton and we found this inexpensive "gatekeeper" costume at a not-to-be-mentioned-mart. I had a lot less stress this year not having to come up with a creative homemade costume. The costume came with a scary skeleton mask with horns on it. Since no masks are allowed and the mask would have only fit a small baby, I decided to cut it up and made the coolest helmet ever. I mean, what kind of gatekeeper would guard a gate with out head protection, right? I stayed up late the night before the school parade trying to get the horns to stick to the plastic helmet and finally found some glue that sort of worked. I held the horns in place for over an hour to keep them stuck.

The next morning I proudly presented it to Zack, sure that he would be beyond grateful.

Nope. He hated it! Wouldn't wear it.

Apparently it is quite unbelievable for horns to be coming out of a helmet, despite my protests that gatekeepers can buy helmets with holes cut for their devilish horns.

I did manage to get one picture of him wearing it before he tore it off and ran into the church party.

Note the essential key in his hand. Steve did his face for this event and Zack liked it the best. The third day in a row of putting on his make-up, he started screaming and crying because it was burning his skin. He made me keep going and he sucked it up because he had to have the full effect for his costume. He has a bit of a rash now, what can I say, he got my sensitive skin.



At the school parade, sans helmet. I am the room mother this year for Zack's class. I was all stressed about it when they asked me to do it but it turns out the other 1st grade teacher (not Zack's teacher) doesn't like parties. I am off the hook. All I had to do was get some moms to go help in the classroom the day before for some Halloween themed learning. But no festivities other than the parade the next day. I'm not sure how to feel about this.



Zack only has 5 cousins, and 4 of them are adults. This is his 12 year old cousin K and they are surprisingly close. They were very excited to go trick-or-treating together in Auntie L's neighborhood. They got some full size candy bars, which doesn't happen in our neighborhood.



Steve's family from right to left: Auntie L, Steve, Grandma, Niece B, Niece C and B's husband S.

Breakfast

This morning for breakfast Zack had:

2 bags of Skittles
2 boxes of Nerds
1 Kit Kat
1 Hershey's bar
1 small Tootsie roll
1 large Tootsie roll

He was smart enough to throw the wrappers in the garbage outside.

I'm smart enough to look in garbage's.

He doesn't usually smell so sweet in the morning!

Ah, Halloween!

Knock on Wood

The other day I was realizing that Zack is rarely sick. I even mentioned it to Steve saying: "I've only taken him to the Dr. once for a sickness and he has never been on an antibiotic in his whole life." Well, last night at 3 am I was awakened from a sleeping pill induced sleep by Zack's cries. He proceeded to throw up for the next 2 hours and has been awake ever since. Next time I will knock on wood after I make a statement like that!

I hope everyone else is staying healthy!